Blame. As an English teacher, I’d love to explore the etymology of the word. When I have a student who turns in no work, refuses to partake in class, continually fails tests and who appears to not have a care in the world about it all, who is to blame? Did the system fail them? Did their parents fail them? Did I fail them? Or, did they fail themselves?
I called a student’s mother today to let her know that the previous day, I had written up her son for walking out of class. However, before I was even able to inform this mother of that fact, she began to get very defensive. The conversation turned out to be the worst I’ve had yet with a parent. Up until this point my experiences with my students parents have been pleasant and useful. This however, was not.
She was confrontational and quick to point the finger. “Why didn’t you call me sooner. It’s too late now, isn’t it?”
I nicely reminded this mother that I had in fact spoken with her twice prior to this; more than any other of my students’ parents. She rebutted by telling me that that was last term, not this one. If I had called her sooner then she would have been able to do something about it.
I felt sick to my stomach after speaking with this mother. I was left stunned. Why on earth would I want any of my students to fail? Why would I not do everything I could to help them?
After this conversation I went back through my grade book. I looked closely at every grade *Oliver had received, and every assignment he was missing. I tried to find a mistake that I had made. I questioned so much of what I had done with this student in the past few weeks. But the bottom line is, he gave up. He knows the term is coming to an end and that there is no way for him to now catch up, so he’s completely stopped trying. Should I have called his mother yesterday, or the day before? Would it really have made a difference?
This past week, while in between classes, I ran into two students with their parents. I took the liberty of introducing myself and discussing, briefly, their child’s work. *Lisa’s mother gave me a genuine, but generic, response. “Well if there is anything I can do, let me know.”
Victoria and her father looked at me as if I had two heads. Why was I talking to them and what was I talking about? She was leaving school early, before my class, and had failed to hand in a project on time earlier in the week. He had no idea about the project and she seemed to know even less than him. Who is responsible here, the student, the parent, the teacher?
To what extent should teachers push? Was I overstepping my boundaries by stopping them in the main office and discussing this? Should I have just let it slide? I’m inclined to say no, I should not let I slide. It’s not my style, I don’t let things slide.
I watch my students like a hawk watches it prey – but with more tender loving care. I never give up on them. I push and push, because I’m determined. Even if in the end, they accomplish nothing, it was not done without constant nagging. So why can’t parents do the same, push and push until they see progress?
Oliver’s mother said, “I ask him everyday if he has homework, and he always says no. What else am I suppose to do?”
I wanted so badly to scream all of these things…all the things that I would do if I were his parent. Have you ever seen his notebook? He can’t go the entire year without a test or quiz to show you. Have you asked him about any of those? Call his teachers yourself, have you tried that?
Well I did ask her that last question and she told me “the school gives me the run around,” they say parents can’t talk to teachers.
Blame gets thrown around. It seems that communication between parents, students and teachers needs to be more present in the NYC School district. But how far can we, as educators, go to make this happen? What I want to know, is not who is to blame, but how do we fix it?
* Names were changes.
25 Comments:
1 NaniRolls
· Jan 20, 2006 at 2:24 pm
You did exactly the right thing. It’s so hard to get in touch with parents, that whenever I happen to bump into one in the halls or the street, I always stop to introduce myself and talk about their child’s performance. Take every opportunity you can for communication and don’t be so hard on yourself. When parents turn the blame around, they are really just deflecting and projecting.
2 firebrand
· Jan 20, 2006 at 6:21 pm
I rarely blame myself for my students’ behavior or failure. I teach in a high school but have taught every grade level from Pre-K through College.
The first people to blame are the parents. We can only work with what we have. If the kids come to us with no discipline or manners it makes it harder to teach them the skills that they will need to be successful academically. If they come from homes were education is not respected and where they see disrespect among adults they can’t be expected to have show it in the classroom.
Surely these things can be taught to SOME children in school. But not all…it’s an individual thing. It’s hard to buck what children see going on in the home.
There is definitely some blaming of the junior high elementary schools when a child comes to high school near illiterate or so far behind that he or she will likely not be able to get a Regents’ diploma. Everyone likes to point the finger…
The finger should be squarely pointed at the parents EACH AND EVERY TIME. They are the first teachers of the children.
3 Chaz
· Jan 20, 2006 at 9:19 pm
I agree with firebrand. However, the child and parent share the blame equally.
A student who is disrespectful, has poor work habits, and fails test after test is not the teacher’s fault. You can only do the best you can and hopefully they will see the consequences of their destructive behavior and straighten up.
4 Jackie Bennett
· Jan 20, 2006 at 10:50 pm
Well, okay, I’m going to stick my neck out here and disagree. I’d say, absolutely, the schools have failed your Oliver, and a whole lot of other kids besides. The classes are too big, the halls are too crowded, guidance counselors work with – what? 400:1 ratios? — and the groups-groups skills-skills pedagogy of choice is uninspired, and a wasteland when it comes to serious content. To top it off, for the past week my classroom has smelled like a dead mouse. If I were Oliver, I’d have my head down, too, I wouldn’t do the project, and by about 16, I’d be out the door.
How do you fix it? Money always helps. Imagine if the Pentagon had to supplement their funding with a bake sale.
5 R. Skibins
· Jan 21, 2006 at 1:56 am
The parent is 100% at fault, as is usually the case. If the parents do not teach respect for authority, and do not value education, the child is destined to fail.
BTW, in my school, we have ONE guidance counselor for 1100 students!
6 Persam1197
· Jan 21, 2006 at 7:04 am
The student has to take the lion’s share of the “blame.” If this is high school, we’re preparing them for life, which for some, is just months away. I have parents who call me constantly and are behind their kids with both positive and negative results. I also have students who have no parental support whatsoever and they know what time of day it is and produce. Life is not fair in terms of who gets who for a parent, but that in itself is not going to be the final determinant of a student’s life.
It is distressing to see kids with potential just give up and settle for the 55, but you have up to 170 kids and most of them need TLC.
About 13 years ago, I had a student named “Robert” who failed my class just before graduation. He was brilliant but did nothing to earn credit. He came back as a super senior and lost his college acceptance for the fall. He passed the class the second time around, got his diploma, and went on with his life. He came back to thank me for failing him because he needed a wake-up call. He thought he could do mediocre work and get by. He realized he couldn’t get away with that anymore, not in high school and certainly not in college and work.
7 NYC Educator
· Jan 21, 2006 at 12:55 pm
I think you must be very careful when speaking with parents. There are ways of approaching them, and I have to recommend you read this, which is precisely what I wish someone had presented in one of the many, many wasteful Board of Ed. classes I was compelled to take:
http://nyceducator.blogspot.com/2005/06/i-wish-someone-had-told-me.html
I think it’s very important that calling be your first, rather than last recourse. When kids know there are certain consequences for messing with you, they’ll turn their attentions to someone else.
8 Teachercoach
· Jan 21, 2006 at 3:16 pm
Hey, Bimsmiles, I don’t think you should be feeling any blame at all. It seems like if this is the first parent you have had this problem with, your interpersonal skills — not to mention your dedication to being the best teacher you can be — are pretty A-OK. I agree with several commenters that parents are the first teachers and much of the baggage that students who are products of dysfunctional backgrounds carry with them make our job so difficult and demoralizing. This is the part of the job (including the poor working conditions and Teachers College nonsense, etc) that teacher-bashers in the Post and other places just do not understand.
But you hang in there. And I would not be afraid to call that parent back again. Keep it short and sweet and professional, but the phone call says you care and you are not giving up on her child. And it could be a breakthrough for both parent and child. Heaven knows it is those breakthroughs I live for.
9 ConcernedParent
· Jan 21, 2006 at 3:35 pm
I’m a parent who had something in the reverse. I volunteer, give money, etc. I ran into a teacher that had NO organization. I got report cards saying my son was failing science and hadn’t done any work. Only problem, I helped do it. I had a meeting where her classroom was stacked with old newspapers and overheard the parent-teacher conference before mine. The parent said she didn’t understand, that her son did his work and how was he failing. I went in and pointed out that my son did his work. She was very defensive. I than began scanning my son’s work into the computer and when the next progress report said the same thing, I slammed her with proof. BTW, my son all A’s and one F. I don’t know if she hated boys or just had no core competencies, but she couldn’t keep track of completed work. Most parents in most neighborhoods will back up the teacher and jack up their kids, I know I will. You sound like a great teacher who I would love my son to have.
10 Chaz
· Jan 21, 2006 at 6:07 pm
ConcernedParent:
There are always an exception and yes there are some poor teachers. However, for every poor teacher, there are hundreds of students that come to school without the proper skills to succeed in school.
You need to look at the family and the child’s friends before you blame the teacher for the inability of the student to do well in the school setting.
11 Persam1197
· Jan 21, 2006 at 8:09 pm
Concerned Parent:
You sound like the parent I would love to have and the kind that I hope to be when my littlun is ready for school! Keep the faith; there are many of us that would welcome you and your involvement with open arms.
Come to think of it, most teachers I know are parents as well.
12 redhog
· Jan 22, 2006 at 4:38 am
This is a splendid post, and the insightful and supportive comments that follow it are exactly in the spirit of this blog. Let’s have more!
13 firebrand
· Jan 22, 2006 at 11:53 am
Jackie Bennett-
I don’t see the 400::1 ratio as the schools failing. Those numbers are the result of POLITICIANS failing. Teachers have no control over the numbers in their classrooms and to a very large extent neither do principals.
Chaz and Persam
thanks you’re right mea culpa the child is also to blame I should know better than exonerating the child there comes a time when we all know right from wrong and are able to employ our free will…that time comes pretty early on in life as my own children showed me when they were toddlers. LOL
R.Skibbins-
Oh My Lord and I thought we had it bad with 1 counselor having a case load of 880!!!
14 NYC Educator
· Jan 22, 2006 at 3:39 pm
The “spirit of this blog” is blind loyalty to Unity, the monopolistic, anti-democratic, self-serving, ineffectual political party that has dominated the UFT for 50 years. Under their leadership, we’ve gone from the highest to lowest paid teachers in the area.
Let’s have less!
15 Persam1197
· Jan 22, 2006 at 5:03 pm
With all due respect, NYC Educator, not everything is about UNITY. While I agree with you totally, there is room for us to discuss issues that are germaine to our craft.
As for which Caucus is in control, now is the time for other folks to offer us a real alternative for the next election.
16 NYC Educator
· Jan 22, 2006 at 5:56 pm
I agree with you also, but I was responding directly to a suggestion of what the “spirit” of this blog is.
I am acutely aware of the spirit of this blog, and I’m reminded when its front page writers invoke the name of Martin Luther King, no less, to encourage dissident voices to be silent.
Were they capable of understanding the sad irony in that, this would be a far better blog.
17 HS_ teacher
· Jan 22, 2006 at 6:49 pm
NYC Educator – All you think that this blog and the UFT have to do with is internal politics. Obviously you are obsessed with the Caucuses within the UFT rather than the substance of the dialogue. You sometimes are rather sensible in your arguments when you stick to the topic. But then you turn to rant about “unity” and “Randi”. I thought that was your blog was for.
Just a suggestion – let’s leave our political agendas out of this until the political season begins in 2007. Thanks.
18 redhog
· Jan 23, 2006 at 1:37 am
I submit that, as a rule, we should “leave our political agendas” out indefinitely, especially when “agenda” is indistinguishable from “ax to grind.”
The conciliatory tone that is taking over this blog is heartening, and gives renewed hope that we will be ready for the common battles that must unite us.
19 NYC Educator
· Jan 23, 2006 at 7:08 am
I submit that telling others to shut up, your standard, boilerplate response, is quite a pathetic argument.
Nonetheless, it makes the “spirit of this blog” crystal-clear.
20 no_slappz
· Jan 23, 2006 at 10:57 am
Bimsmile:
You wrote:
“Blame. When I have a student who turns in no work, refuses to partake in class, continually fails tests and who appears to not have a care in the world about it all, who is to blame? Did the system fail them? Did their parents fail them? Did I fail them? Or, did they fail themselves?”
You opened your comments by pondering the assignment of blame. But the body of your post focused on anecdotes showing an entirely different matter: The evasion of responsibility.
Your post also showed something else: That parents who evade responsibility play upon the insecurities of those who confront them, however sensitively, with an inquiry that requires parents admit to a personal failing. Parents counter their insecurity and unwillingness to admit fault by turning the tables on the teacher, who is simply another human being susceptible to self-doubt and the mildly intimidating power parents have within the administration-teacher-student-government-complex.
As you noted:
“I called a student’s mother today… However, before I was even able to inform this mother of that fact, she began to get very defensive.”
“She was confrontational and quick to point the finger. “Why didn’t you call me sooner. It’s too late now, isn’t it?” ”
Standard line for evasion of responsibility.
You added:
“I tried to find a mistake that I had made. I questioned so much of what I had done with this student in the past few weeks.”
The mother got you. She nailed you because she’s experienced at evading responsibility and hitting her questioners in ways that cause them to question themselves before going further with her.
Her personal manner has shaped her son to some extent.
You wrote:
“Even if in the end, they accomplish nothing, it was not done without constant nagging. So why can’t parents do the same, push and push until they see progress?”
I suspect you are not a parent.
You wrote:
“I wanted so badly to scream all of these things…all the things that I would do if I were his parent.”
That’s idealism talking. If a kid isn’t open to learning, no force in the universe can change him. Time, however, has that power.
You ended with:
“Blame gets thrown around…What I want to know, is not who is to blame, but how do we fix it?”
It is not “blame” that is thrown around. It is evasion of responsibility that forms the circle linking parents, students, teachers and the school system.
This cycle is repeated every day because the government-controlled education system is not capable of handling the range of tasks that have been heaped upon it.
Students evade their responsibilities with a quick sidestep, and parents are particularly adept at evading their responsibilities with their usually greater skill at blaming others for their own shortcomings.
However, due to the combination of the structure of public education and the personal insecurities of students, parents and teachers, the evasion of responsibility will never stop.
Solution? Of the aforementioned, only the structure of public education is changeable. To overcome the problems, big changes are necessary. Very big.
21 roseba
· Jan 23, 2006 at 4:19 pm
NYCEDUCATOR:
Your comments are not in line with the purpose of this blog, (see mission) which is not about and never created for internal politicking.
That’s not the purpose of this blog, nor was it EVER the purpose of this blog, despite the fact that it was hijacked in its infancy. While we allowed such politicking to occur in the past, we by no means will allow it to continue.
Continued attempts to bring in unrelated agendas will be dealt with appropriately including, editing, deleting, moderation and other measures.
The topic is “Blame” and parent teacher relations. If you have something constructive to say, please add your opinion.
Thank you.
22 jd2718
· Jan 24, 2006 at 4:52 pm
Roseba,
NYCEducator and Redhog have been baiting each other for months. While I wish they would tone it down, I would be far more concerned if there wasn’t passionate feeling about how to make our union as strong as possible, esp. in the immediate aftermath of a hotly contested contract ratification and in the midst of some ugly implementation problems.
“internal politicking[...]’s not the purpose of this blog, nor was it EVER the purpose of this blog”
That’s absurd. During a major internal UFT debate (over whether or not to ratify the last contract), this blog took a clear stand in favor, posting at least a dozen major pieces.
“While we allowed such politicking to occur in the past, we by no means will allow it to continue.”
Who is “we”? Are you Edwize staff?
Jonathan
23 Kombiz
· Jan 24, 2006 at 6:14 pm
Jonathan,
Roseba is one of the staff here who helps me administer the blog, though I’m the main person who administers EdWize. The main concern here is tone and staying on topic. In the new teacher diaries, whose authors by the way received an invitation to write on the blog via the New York Teacher, we’ve been more adamant about keeping on topic. I obviously can’t monitor the blog 24/7, but this discussion went completely off topic. Teachers, especially these new teachers who volunteered to talk about their experiences during their first year teaching, shouldn’t have to put up with the back and forth that goes on in other threads. Part of blogging is growing a thick skin, but I’d like the comments sections of the new teacher diaries to be pro-active and positive.
I think the back and forth is one of the things that’s made this blog successful and even the UFT’s detractors check the blog regularly. I’ve heard about a “privatization” mailing list that distributes our posts regularly. What I think is detrimental is when the tone spirals into “flame-war.” We’re currently at 192 posts and 3860 comments so there’s been a lot of that back and forth. I’ve gotten complaints that some members are turned off by some of the flaming in the comments. I’ve not been closely regulating the comment section until now, but I will enforce the comment section rules more forcefully if it is required.
Secondly, as far as politicking, the issue with the contract was that it was the official position of the UFT delegates, who approved it. As much as most of what we talk about here is unofficial discussion, the blog is not going to take a position that’s completely against an official position of the UFT. We kept the comment section wide open during that discussion and if you go back through the archives you can see comment sections that swell to almost 200.
You personally know that I’m new to the UFT, so it was mainly through the blog that I got a sense that there’s internal political parties in the union, etc. As far as those politics are concerned, we’ve been warned it’s illegal for staff to participate. Since I’m a staffer myself and not a UFT member, I am not allowed to facilitate those types of discussions. That type of electioneering is prohibited by law either way on anything that is paid for by union dues.
But the blog is obviously open to criticism, and suggestions. I’ve been working on a technical upgrade, that will also bring some new content in the the next few weeks.
24 NYC Educator
· Jan 24, 2006 at 7:06 pm
So this blog was never about or created for internal politicking. Unless it’s politicking that supports Unity positions. Unless it’s politicking endorsed by, say, Unity’s unelected Academic HS VP, for example.
Thanks for clearing that up.
Thanks for letting 40% of UFT teachers know where we stand.
We’ll just keep standing.
25 jd2718
· Jan 24, 2006 at 8:45 pm
I think we need to take Kombiz’s comments in good faith.
Look, there is, like it or not, a leadership in this union that comes (except high schools) from one caucus. The views ‘officially’ expressed here will tend to reflect that caucus.
NYC Educator, that’s the reality. When you write on education, policy, etc, your comments are insightful. But it’s silly to fight a war over who controls the blog since 1) everyone already knows the truth and 2) arguing won’t change that truth.
Why don’t we call a truce in the New Teacher section?
————
What is most interesting for me is how many of the people who post here, no matter which caucus they come from, are unionists, activists. These are the people who are fighting over the nuts and bolts of implementation, who defend members in the trenches, who try to find ways to help out new, struggling teachers.
At DA’s the CLs from my district sit together, all of us, from all affiliations. I find that regularly talking to all sides moderates the tone, helps us find middle ground (where there is any). We don’t get mocking and taunting, but discussion and debate. Day to day we are activists, not caucus members.
————-
Kombiz, I do respect the job you do. Better yet, I appreciate it. EdWize was created from scratch.
But Kombiz, “the issue with the contract was that it was the official position of the UFT delegates, who approved it” is too clever by half. 1) that was the vote of one caucus over the others. and 2) delegates were swayed by the argument that ‘we should give the members the right to decide.’ Many delegates did not realize that they were recommending the agreement, they just thought they were passing it on to the members.
But that’s the limit of my objections. Thank you for all your work. And I do hope there’s a truce in the New Teacher section.
Jonathan