From the moment I settled in for my eight-minute subway ride to school this morning until I plopped down for my eight-minute subway ride home, I was consumed with a certain feeling… dread, disgust, disappointment… I couldn’t really pinpoint it. Do I dislike the neighborhood I teach in? Am I frustrated with administration? Are my kindergarten students sending me over the edge? Is it a first-year teaching thing? Am I opposed to working?
Graduate school at Columbia sounds tempting. Beautiful campus, kind professors, no naughty children…
Okay, okay, I am terrible for giving up already. Attempting to put this year into perspective, I have been thinking back to my freshman year of college. First year living on my own, meeting strange individuals with peculiar habits, making independent choices . . . no lie, after the first week I wanted to call it quits. I felt out of place, quite lost and was struggling under the unfamiliar pressures of difficult classes. That being said, by second semester I had found my niche. Five years down the line, I was sad to move along. Shouldn’t teaching follow the same pattern?
I figured my first year of teaching would suck. Struggling to teach small beings who are constantly testing my limits, attempting to cooperate with parents who believe their five-year-old angel would never fight without being provoked (surely not!), and giving up a great deal of dignity as I put on a quite a show to capture the attention of my children (a little song and dance always clears the air of chit-chat). Clearly I was not wrong; teaching is tough. But come now, I thought I would be getting good at teaching and that by May, by MAY for crying out loud, I would have my class running smoothly and under control. Evidently this is not the case.
So what now? Will next year be better? Am I willing to take that risk? Should I open a bakery instead? Hibernate?
No matter my level of exasperation, no matter how much I’d like to close my eyes and wish my students away, my students will still be there when I open my eyes and I had better have a plan – a good plan – to get through each day without losing my mind. I will keep thinking of ways to entice my children with finger puppets who just happen to love to read and will continue to attract their attention with a store full of goodies that five-year olds will do anything for in order to learn how money works. I am striving to end the year in good spirits, striving to keep my head above the water.
2 Comments:
1 ohmiss1584
· May 17, 2007 at 5:57 pm
I completely sympathize and understand how you are feeling. I teach in a middle school in Brooklyn, and as a first year teacher, I have been put through the ringer from every end. I have been slandered, cursed at, physically assaulted, verbally harassed (all by students), caught in a school that has given me little to no support in terms of mentoring, common planning, or even working technology or books. I cried everyday from September to January thinking I would never make it, and that it wasn’t worth it, and I prayed for just one day when I could walk out of the building feeling like I an actual teacher who actually did a good job.
I have never quit anything I have embarked on in my life. I remember fantasizing about switching my major in college, but I stuck with education because I really was excited about opening new academic and social possibilities to students. I wanted to teach in the city system that I am a product of; I wanted to be a respected professional by students, parents, and colleagues. The saying, “if you reach one student, you did your job,” was not good enough for me at first, because I really believed I could be that “hero” so often depicted in movies about teachers who burst into the urban scene, but the reality is, in order to reach kids, you start with one person, and that is yourself. Initially, I did not want to quit because I didn’t want my students to “win,” but I realized they needed me and in my stubborness, I stuck it out because I could not leave a job before it was finished.
I think things began to change in February when I assigned my students their exit projects that were to be due in May. I offered my time in the morning before homeroom and lunch to help them with research, drafts, etc. At first, no one was showing up, but one student came at 7:00 looking for me. Then two students came. Before long, I had the most successful morning extended time program going on with about ten kids before 8AM doing research and projects. My biggest fear was that they wouldn’t do the project, mostly because most of my students just don’t do homework or out of class assignments, but they did me proud. To date, 117 out of 122 of my students in 5 classes did their project.
I think they began to see me as a real “human” once I was able to get over being just miserable at work. They can sense when you are having a bad day. I didn’t realize it until one day, a girl said to me, “Miss, you don’t like teaching, do you? You always look so sad.” I had to do something about this. I began developing true rapports and relationships with the kids and parents, even the bad kids, and once that trust was established, things began to run smoother. When I began ENJOYING what I was doing, the kids picked up on that; I radiated enthusiasm. It is exhausting, but beneficial in the long run.
In March, I was in a car accident on the way to work. When I returned the next day, to my surprise, the kids had heard and were very concerned about me. I don’t know if that was the true turning point, but at that moment, I felt appreciated and a sense of belonging from my students.
So “no sleep,” don’t give up. I am no means an expert at any of this, but I have faith that things will get better for you. Just enjoy what you do, and they will get it. Children always remember their elementary school teachers, and when they come back to visit you in a few years, you’ll see how much they loved you, even if they can’t express it now.
2 MsB
· May 21, 2007 at 3:15 pm
I know exactly what you mean. I download and then throw out the Columbia application at least five times a day. But it sounds to me like you are doing great things. I might even steal your puppet who loves to read idea for my high school students! The fact that you are unsure about yourself shows that you are a great teacher because you are never satisfied and you are always trying something new. That is what matters the most. The worst teachers are the ones who never try to improve what they are doing. So, keep your head up and hopefully by next year the water will recede a little.
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